Category: relationships

Of all of the forms of codependency, perhaps the most insidious is the, “good,” kind.  The kind where we’re actually making ourselves less, because it’s the right thing to do.  

Or so we think.  

Our personal light, our Spirit becomes dimmed because we’re trying to make someone else’s shine a little brighter.  If it goes on for too long, we can even forget who we really are.

WHAT CODEPENDENCY REALLY MEANS

When we hear the word, “codependency,” most of us think of the classic scenario involving an alcoholic/addict and the person taking care of him.  In that sort of a relationship, the alcoholic may have the money, but he’s too screwed up to really take care of himself.  The codependent takes care of him – sees that the bills are paid on time, buys the groceries, cleans the house, defends him from criticism, but doesn’t have any personal funds.  

The result, of course, is that neither party is able to survive on their own.  They are mutually dependent on the other for survival and they may hate each other but they also need each other.

At its root, though, codependency is any relationship where we chronically subordinate our own needs and desires to someone else’s.  

That can actually take the form of a noble pursuit.  In a very real sense, good parents subordinate their own needs and desires to rearing their children until the children can fly on their own.  We can also see it in home healthcare situations, where one partner in the relationship is literally too ill to care for herself and the other partner becomes a full-time caretaker.

These are the, “good,” forms of codependency where we’re basically just doing what’s right and what’s loving.  But they can still destroy us over the long haul.

MAKING OURSELVES SMALLER

One of the hallmarks of codependency is shrinking ourselves while inflating someone else.

In the home healthcare situation that I just mentioned, the partner who is healthy may be devoting her entire life to taking care of the partner who is ill, yet insisting that, “it’s no big deal.”  She may sacrifice her social life, her hobbies, her time for herself to an endless round of cooking, cleaning, medications, and taking her partner to medical appointments.  She may have completely given up her own life in order to preserve his.

Because the other person’s light is so dimmed, we do everything we can to make it shine a little brighter.  We praise them, we prop them up, we take care of their every need and we never, ever, let them feel that they are, “less than,” because of their illness.

Over time, this creates an energy imbalance that leaves us feeling like invisible ghosts, like we never had the chance to live as our fullest, most authentic selves because we’ve disappeared into someone else’s needs.

The real tragedy of codependency isn’t just exhaustion – it’s the slow erosion of Self.

THE STAR REVERSED

In the Tarot, the exemplar of codependency is The Star reversed.  When it’s upright, The Star is a beacon of hope, inspiration, and healing.  It’s someone who is fully shining his light into the world.

When it’s reversed, it can point directly to codependent patterns such as:

• Outsourcing your self-worth to another person.

• Over-giving and self-sacrifice until your own cup is bone dry.

• Healing others while neglecting your own healing.

• Depending on someone’s approval to feel hopeful.

• Pretending everything’s fine just to keep the relationship intact.

The Star reversed doesn’t mean you’ve lost your light, though. It means you’ve been dimming it.

THE ANTIDOTE IS RECLAIMING YOUR OWN LIGHT

The medicine for The Star reversed is to consciously reclaim your own radiance:

• Affirm your intrinsic value through affirmations, creative expression, and celebrating small achievements.  That can be as easy as taking a few moments to journal every morning and write about what YOUR dreams are.

• Set boundaries and practice saying “no” without guilt. That can be as simple as saying, “No, I don’t watch that television show,” or, “I’d rather listen to MY music.”

• Shift your focus from “I’ll fix them” to “I’ll care for myself first.” You DO have a right to savor your morning coffee before you make their breakfast.

• Anchor hope internally by nurturing personal goals, spiritual practices, or creative outlets.  Do you love to paint or write or garden?  Insist on taking some time for that every week.  No excuses and no interruptions.  Even if it’s only an hour, that’s your sacred space.

• Practice radical honesty — with yourself and others.  If you hate what you’re doing, you’ve got a right to express that.  If you think you deserve some extra praise and kindness instead of being taken for granted, you’ve got a right to that, too.

• Cultivate interdependence, where two whole people choose connection rather than two halves clinging to each other.  Especially if there’s an imbalance in money, remind your partner frequently of all of the things that you do and how much he’d have to pay to have someone other than you do them.  

Each of these steps helps you pour back into your own cup — and when you shine, you inspire others to shine too.

THE PARADOX OF HEALING

The paradox of this type of codependency is that we usually take it on precisely because we ARE good, loving, kind people. If we see someone who needs help, we help them.  If our child is troubled, we’re there for them 200%.  If our partners are ill, of COURSE we’re going to move heaven and earth to take care of them.

But as it goes on . . . and on . . . and on . . . that good, loving person who is our core being begins to erode.  It isn’t that we become bad people or quit caring – it’s that we simply begin to disappear.  We become nothing but appendages to the needs of the people that we’re caring for.

The lesson of The Star is to let our light shine again.  That core of ourselves that we’re losing through the codependency is what was healing the other person to begin with.  When we lose it, we lose our ability to heal, not just them, but ourselves.

We have to let our lights shine.